Life and it's funny turns

These are our five children. We are a product of a blended family.

Life has a funny way of taking you places you never thought they would.

If I am honest with myself and look back, would I have seen myself here in this spot, at this moment in my life. The answer would be no.

Never did I think I would marry a man with four children, and on top of that I never thought I would be the one raising them. But, I am happy?

YES! I love our children, yes OUR children, all Five of them! I could not imagine living any other way. God, put me in there life for a reason as well did God put them in my life for a reason. They say God chooses a child's parents before conception. I did not conceive four of our five children. I don believe this as true though, if there biological mother did not have the our four beautiful children I would not have them in my life. I think God for that. They may not really know there biological mother because of the way she chooses to live, but they have a mother in me. I will be there through ever cut, scrap, or bruise. Through every smile, laughter and joy. I will get to watch them grow up and become beautiful and wonderful adults. I conceived one child and feel like God gave him to me as a blessing. He gave him to me and I to him. He gave me strength when I thought all was lost. So, if you put all our children together they are my air, my smile, my life, and my everything.

My family has had it's ups and downs. The hardest time seemed to be my husbands deployment and his return. They never tell you how difficult it is going to be when your spouse comes home from a deployment. He has been on four tours and yet it is still something he struggles with. He says he is used to it already, but I think the distance and some of the things he sees or hears takes a toll on him.

When he came home, it was a big adjustment. I was so used to doing everything myself, not having to depend on him really for anything, that is became hard for me to share responsibility with him. But at the same time it was even hard for me to let him get away with doing nothing. Yes, I know very contradictory, but I felt this way non the less.

The first few months were very hard on our marriage, but the funny thing is once we decided to actually communicate what bothered us about the other, we were able to move forward again.

Of course no marriage is perfect,we are like anyone else we do argue from time to time, but we are able to communicate much better now and get through it.

We recently lost our baby. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I never thought this could happen to us. I have been struggling to deal with it. I blame myself, even though I have been told numerous times that their was nothing I could do or that I did. That this was just something that wasn't meant to be. How can you tell someone that this was not meant to be or that this was God's will. I don't believe that or maybe I can't believe that. I don't know. I struggle not to blame myself. Did I stress too much, did I lift something I shouldn't have, or did I eat all the wrong things. so many what ifs!

I found myself taking my hurt and anger out on my husband. The one who has stood by my through everything, who is as hurt as I am. He was and has always been there to comfort me, and I found myself pushing him away. He told me the other day" I love you, it is going to take time to get through this. You carried our child so you are going to hurt more. I will be here for you though it all." I mean really how can I push this loving man away? He is my rock, I know we will get through this, I know that he will always be there for me and I will do the same.

God chose him for me and me for him. We are ONE.

I love my husband! He is the man I have always wanted and the kind of man God knew I needed.