Grief and Pushing

I wonder amylase through life lately. I feel lonely and painfully aware I am pushing the ones I love away. Well, mainly one person (my husband).
When we lost our baby I felt like a piece of me was missing. I felt, well feel like it is my fault some how. 
All the Dr.'s, family, and friends tell me it is not my fault and their is nothing I could have done differently to prevent this. But, no matter how many times I am told I still believe is was my fault somehow. 
Then the anger sets in. I see people out there that should not be even having children, yet they are able to get pregnant and have successful pregnancy's. I am told I can still get pregnant, but that doesn't change the fact that I cared our child for three months and lost our baby and other women who should not be even allowed to have a child are able to carry a baby to full term. 
My husbands ex wife had four children with him, and is no where to be seen. she has no involvement with our children and takes no responsibility for them. She carried them, his children (now mine) but I miss carry the first time I get pregnant by him. 
This hurts more than I can say, I feel as though something is wrong with me. 
I hurt every day. I smile to get through the day, but I am crying inside. 


My husband tries to support me and be there for me, but it is hard to be there for someone who does not respond. I am sure it is hard for him as well, having a wife that has no response or emotion to anything. 
I want to be able to move on and be happy again. 


Lord give me the strength to keep strong for my family! 


I want to be better for my family and myself. 


I love my husband and I do not want to keep pushing him away. He is a good man and I know it. I just need to remind myself of all the good I have in my life. 


My Kids 
My Husband
My Family
My Life
My Love


God has blessed me with so much. It is time to start appreciating it again. 


God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.




Love and Family is what I need. I know that this will take time to move past, but it is time to start grieving and letting it out before it destroys my family and myself.