busy day, can be an interesting day

Can you believe a busy day would actually be a good thing. 
Today I was so crazy busy between getting the stuff for my get together and cleaning house I felt like the day just flew by. 


For some reason I was happy today. I was not sad, angry, or stressed out. I was just ME again, and here is a perfect example.


Today I drove my loves' car, (my husband) as I was walking towards the car from the store I started pressing the unlock button on my key chain. I reached for the door, and to my surprise it would not open.So, I pushed the button once more, well to my astonishment it still would not open; thinking to myself, "why is this dumb clicker not working?" I kept at it or at least 2 minutes. Till a light bulb went off in my head. THE CLICKER BELONGS TO MY CAR! lmao. I was trying to open the door with my clicker, my husband does not have a clicker to his car. 
Right away I thought of my bestie Pri. It reminded of what she used to say when I did something retarded like that. "Thank God your pretty"  lol.. 


Love You Bestie! 

She Remembers Love

You have seen me for me, 

You ignited my heart

You are my best friend

You are my love

We said "through sickness and health"

We said " through good times and bad"

We became one and you said "forever and always."

I knew God chose you for me and I for you,

We were made to love one another. 

I give myself to you with no regrets.

I promise you "ALWAYS AND FOREVER"

Today went by pretty fast. Not realizing how short it was I started thinking about my husband. He left a day ago, without realizing it I had gone an entire day without telling him I loved him. I push myself to get through the day sometimes, but not telling the man I love that I love him should have gone a day without. 

I called him right away to let him know I love him. You want to know what he told me after I had said "I can't believe I went a day without saying it" he said "baby, I know you love me, even if you didn't say it." 

My heart about melted. This stubborn, smart ass, loving, strong man knew I loved him without me saying it. 

This was my blessing of the day. Knowing that he loves me no matter what. No matter what I am feeling he is always there to get me through. I only hope he know how much I love him and how I will always be there for him just like he has been there for me. 

I LOVE YOU MY LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER!

Life's rough days

I felt like today was kind of rough for me.

It started off hard enough. You know one of those days where things seem to just get worse than the last moment.

I dropped my husband off to work around 4 in the morning. He will be gone for a week, so I not only wanted to say good-bye, but I also wanted to help him out a bit. 

Drove home to find that my husband accidentally kept the key to our home. So, spent half an hour trying to get into my home.

Went straight to bed, (needing much rest after that) to find I could not fall asleep, even though  my body was screaming "GO TO SLEEP!" 

Went to my cousins birthday party, which by the way seemed to put a smile on my face. I loved seeing my family and being around them! 

Then the ball dropped, not all of them knew about me losing our baby. I held back my tears as I explained it. All I wanted to do was run and hide in a corner. 

All of the points int he road seem so sharp 

I am struggling to find my way. 

I look to you, see me threw,

but realize that I have to be my biggest fan.

My bestie Pri, says we should think of at least one positive thing a day and focus on it. My positive was my family. Being able to converse with them, being able to smile and laugh. I tried to stay positive and smile. you know the old saying "fake it till you make it" I thought maybe if I smile enough and laugh enough no one could tell that I was hurting inside, if I smiled enough people would not see my sadness. 

Just because she is smiling does that mean she is happy?

I am happy with my family, I love my family! It just hurts  my heart so much losing my baby. 

But, it is going to take one day at a time. So this again was my positive of the day. MY FAMILY! 

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill;
stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit

It’s when things go wrong that you must not quit.

Grief and Pushing

I wonder amylase through life lately. I feel lonely and painfully aware I am pushing the ones I love away. Well, mainly one person (my husband).
When we lost our baby I felt like a piece of me was missing. I felt, well feel like it is my fault some how. 
All the Dr.'s, family, and friends tell me it is not my fault and their is nothing I could have done differently to prevent this. But, no matter how many times I am told I still believe is was my fault somehow. 
Then the anger sets in. I see people out there that should not be even having children, yet they are able to get pregnant and have successful pregnancy's. I am told I can still get pregnant, but that doesn't change the fact that I cared our child for three months and lost our baby and other women who should not be even allowed to have a child are able to carry a baby to full term. 
My husbands ex wife had four children with him, and is no where to be seen. she has no involvement with our children and takes no responsibility for them. She carried them, his children (now mine) but I miss carry the first time I get pregnant by him. 
This hurts more than I can say, I feel as though something is wrong with me. 
I hurt every day. I smile to get through the day, but I am crying inside. 


My husband tries to support me and be there for me, but it is hard to be there for someone who does not respond. I am sure it is hard for him as well, having a wife that has no response or emotion to anything. 
I want to be able to move on and be happy again. 


Lord give me the strength to keep strong for my family! 


I want to be better for my family and myself. 


I love my husband and I do not want to keep pushing him away. He is a good man and I know it. I just need to remind myself of all the good I have in my life. 


My Kids 
My Husband
My Family
My Life
My Love


God has blessed me with so much. It is time to start appreciating it again. 


God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.




Love and Family is what I need. I know that this will take time to move past, but it is time to start grieving and letting it out before it destroys my family and myself. 

Life and it's funny turns

These are our five children. We are a product of a blended family.

Life has a funny way of taking you places you never thought they would.

If I am honest with myself and look back, would I have seen myself here in this spot, at this moment in my life. The answer would be no.

Never did I think I would marry a man with four children, and on top of that I never thought I would be the one raising them. But, I am happy?

YES! I love our children, yes OUR children, all Five of them! I could not imagine living any other way. God, put me in there life for a reason as well did God put them in my life for a reason. They say God chooses a child's parents before conception. I did not conceive four of our five children. I don believe this as true though, if there biological mother did not have the our four beautiful children I would not have them in my life. I think God for that. They may not really know there biological mother because of the way she chooses to live, but they have a mother in me. I will be there through ever cut, scrap, or bruise. Through every smile, laughter and joy. I will get to watch them grow up and become beautiful and wonderful adults. I conceived one child and feel like God gave him to me as a blessing. He gave him to me and I to him. He gave me strength when I thought all was lost. So, if you put all our children together they are my air, my smile, my life, and my everything.

My family has had it's ups and downs. The hardest time seemed to be my husbands deployment and his return. They never tell you how difficult it is going to be when your spouse comes home from a deployment. He has been on four tours and yet it is still something he struggles with. He says he is used to it already, but I think the distance and some of the things he sees or hears takes a toll on him.

When he came home, it was a big adjustment. I was so used to doing everything myself, not having to depend on him really for anything, that is became hard for me to share responsibility with him. But at the same time it was even hard for me to let him get away with doing nothing. Yes, I know very contradictory, but I felt this way non the less.

The first few months were very hard on our marriage, but the funny thing is once we decided to actually communicate what bothered us about the other, we were able to move forward again.

Of course no marriage is perfect,we are like anyone else we do argue from time to time, but we are able to communicate much better now and get through it.

We recently lost our baby. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I never thought this could happen to us. I have been struggling to deal with it. I blame myself, even though I have been told numerous times that their was nothing I could do or that I did. That this was just something that wasn't meant to be. How can you tell someone that this was not meant to be or that this was God's will. I don't believe that or maybe I can't believe that. I don't know. I struggle not to blame myself. Did I stress too much, did I lift something I shouldn't have, or did I eat all the wrong things. so many what ifs!

I found myself taking my hurt and anger out on my husband. The one who has stood by my through everything, who is as hurt as I am. He was and has always been there to comfort me, and I found myself pushing him away. He told me the other day" I love you, it is going to take time to get through this. You carried our child so you are going to hurt more. I will be here for you though it all." I mean really how can I push this loving man away? He is my rock, I know we will get through this, I know that he will always be there for me and I will do the same.

God chose him for me and me for him. We are ONE.

I love my husband! He is the man I have always wanted and the kind of man God knew I needed.